When a woman comes to your
place, you've got one thing on
your mind... and so does she.
Unfortunately, they're not the
same thing. While you're calculating
exactly how many pounds of pressure
per square inch your mattress springs
can take. She's sherlocking your pad for
clues as to just who the hell you are.
Do you have taste? A sense of
humour? Are you educated? Stable? Are
you making enough money not to go wild
when there's a sale? She'll discover the answers to these questions in less time
than it takes you to find a matching pair
of socks in the morning.
Now, no one may ever mistake your
place for the Presidential Suite of a hotel,
but that doesn't matter. You just need a
few of the right things lying around in the
right places... namely, the places she's
going to look. And each of these things
is going to say one thing to her: that you
are cooler than a cooler. Think of it as
strategic instead of carpet bombing (especially
since you don't want her paying
too much attention to the bizarre stains
on your orange carpet). Gentlemen...
commence bombing run.
1 TWO KICK-ASS WINEGLASSES
What’s a romantic evening without a little
vino? But even an expensive bottle of the
grape tastes like vinegar when served
in plastic mugs. She’ll assume college
was so good to you that you never want
to give up the student lifestyle. Solution?
Crystal wineglasses. They may run
a bit expensive, but you don’t need a
set of eight (if you’ve got eight people
over, you’re not getting laid anyway..use
plastic). Two will do the trick. Hand-wash
them for serious sparkle and watch her
melt the first time she pings the glass
and it practically plays a Bach cantata.
Tip: Drink out of plastic mugs the rest of
the time so one of your pals doesn’t turn
your investment into puzzle pieces.
2 TWO BIG FLUFFY TOWELS
Sooner or later she’s going to wash her
hands. And if after she turns off the faucet,
her wet hands meet two white, babysoft
cotton towels that smell like a spring
breeze, instead of a crispy little washcloth
of indeterminate colour, she’s going
to receive several important messages.
Number one, you’re clean. Number two,
your place is clean. And number three,
if your towels are this nice, your sheets
must be awesome. Nice train of thought.
One thing: Never actually use these
towels when alone. Keep them sealed
in a plastic bag until she comes over.
Then hang them, folded, over the towel
rack. When she leaves, you can go back
to employing six old tube socks knotted
together.
3 ONE BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE
Maybe your boss gave it to you instead
of a Diwali bonus two years ago – but
she doesn’t have to know that. Basically,
women think any guy who keeps a chilled bottle of bubbly handy is not only
spontaneous but also full of joie de vivre,
savoir-faire, and other French words
that mean “good in bed.” A fine bottle of
champagne also draws attention away
from the fact that there’s nothing else in
your refrigerator but defrosted beer.
4 ONE VINTAGE POSTER
You want to appear artsy but not fartsy,
and one of these numbers will do the
trick. Why do women love to see a 1930s
ad for a French cruise line or a 1950s
Communist-propaganda poster on a
guy’s wall? It bespeaks metropolitan cool
in a way no run-of-the-mill Van Gogh or
Picasso poster from a geeky museum
gift shop does. Seek out vintageposter
shops and look for something
that predates the ’60s (saving you an
embarrassing black-light-and-blackvelvet
acquisition). And professional
framing boosts the effect a notch. A
poster looks so much better when matted
behind glass. It also says you’re probably
not one paycheque away from eviction:
always an attractive characteristic.
5 FIVE GREAT BOOKS
Let’s face facts. A copy of The Big Book
of Naked Women and Dessert Toppings
on your coffee table isn’t going to score
points. She wants to know you’re smart
and cultured, so show her you are by
going to the bookstore, selecting the
following titles, tearing out the pages,
and wrapping the covers around old
home videos. If she asks about one
of the books (it doesn’t matter which),
answer with a pithy “Well, the character
development was definitely right-on, but
the author let the plot run away from him
in the last four chapters.” She won’t ask
you anything else. But just in case she
gets brainy on you, try these
really E-Z synopses:
1) The Catcher in the Rye by J.D.
Salinger (an ex-baseball player opens
a deli)
2) The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor
Dostoevsky (five siblings amaze the
world with their mysterious spelling
ability)
3) On the Road by Jack Kerouac,
semi-autobiographical novel of the beat
generation icon.
|
