|
Having consulted other
mothers, it’s clear that once
your loving, affectionate little
girl turns 13, she’ll be taken
hostage by her hormones.
Having always preferred the
natural look, she’ll suddenly
begin guarding her eyeliner
and mascaras more closely
than a Colombian drug lord.
Her once pristine bedroom
will become so dirty and
unkempt that guests will wipe
their feet before leaving the
room. She’ll take to wearing punk outfits that only need
one accessory – a crack
addiction. Her skirts will be so
short you won’t worry about
people being able to see her
pants – you’ll worry they’ll see
her ovulating.
She’ll start dating a
succession of boys who smell
of dead rodents and have
entire ecosystems under each
fingernail. You’ll try to placate
your husband by explaining
that whenever your daughter
is down in the dumps, she’ll
get herself a new boyfriend. To
which he’ll reply, wearily, “So
that’s where she finds them.”
So why do our teenage
girls have an “I find my
mother contemptible” clause
in their contracts ? Have we
been too lenient ? Keen not to
replicate the authoritarianism
of our own parents, perhaps
we’ve been lax on discipline ?
It seems to me that
teenagers crave boundaries.
Daughters don’t want their
mothers to go out “on the
pull” with them – an activity
Fergie, the former Duchess
of York, boasts of pursuing
with her daughters Beatrice
and Eugenie. They don’t
even want the sex talk. Not
from their mums, at least.
In my house, any mention
of the word “period” in a
context other than Jurassic or
Hellenic is met with derision.
Yet before we start looking
for a loophole in their birth
certificates, perhaps it’s time
we examined our own behaviour.
Have we been very good
role models? In this recession
riddled time, I’m beginning to
think that the definition of a
juvenile delinquent is a child who starts acting as badly as
its parents.
After all, it’s our
generation who’ve produced
the corporate cowboys and
reckless leaders responsible
for the credit crunch. Not to
mention the way we have
allowed big business to
vandalise the environment.
Now, with a liberal-intellectual
at the helm of the West, we
might steer our way into a
better world and be a more
inspirational example to our
progeny.
Either way, I suspect
mothering teenagers will
always make you feel you’re
testing the depth of the water
with both feet. Yet it does get
better. Like rock-hard butter,daughters do eventually melt
into spreading consistency.
Just today my daughter
actually crushed me into
an unexpected bear hug.
“Mum,” she said, while
simultaneously raiding my
purse. “When I was younger,
I just couldn’t believe what an
idiot you were. But now I’m
nearly 16, it’s incredible how
much you’ve learnt in a year.”
Motherhood is like a
beanbag – easy to get into
hard to get out of… but it has
its cosy moments. Not that
I’m kidding myself. I have
a suspicion that the first 40
years of parenthood are the
hardest.
Meanwhile, let’s cut our
kids some slack and keep a
sense of humour. Next time
your daughter screams. “I
hate you! I wish you’d die!”
take another swig of wine and
reply, jauntily, “I’m doing my
best, darling”. |
Teenage daughters
are God’s punishment
for having sex
in the first place. I
know this now because I have
one. There are four things you
will never hear your teenage
daughter say :
