It was the usual crowd at the regular
journalists’ monthly gathering at a
trendy bar one rainy Thursday night.
There were a few newcomers who
seemed both confused and amazed
to learn that Delhi does have some cool,
funky people who frequent a trendy bar.
In this crowd, a group of five men
drew my attention. The tall, handsome
one standing closest to me was a wellknown
news presenter, let’s call him Mr.
A. Beside him was the bespectacled Mr.
B, who had arrived in a couple of days
before to set up a media office here.
There was another with a friendly smile,
Mr. C who worked for an international
organisation here, and a young guy
exuding confidence and playfulness,Mr. D. a banker, cavorted like the capital’s very own Casanova.
The man in the centre of the group, the focus of attention — Mr. E was too funky to be true, talking loudly and
throwing out witty asides. People
gravitated to him for hugs and kisses. I later found out that he is gay, but he was actually the only one of the men who made me feel comfortable that night.
The group intrigued me because they were discussing the cliché of why women can’t read maps. Thinking of myself as a women’s rights defender, I tried hard to win the debate with them. Unfortunately, as a woman with a weak ability to read maps myself, my effort was to no avail.
The popular understanding of why
“men don’t listen and women can’t read
maps” (thanks to the Allan and Barbara
Pease’s book of the same title) brought
us to discuss the bonding, up-and-down,
love-hate relationship between men
and women that existed long before
the words “s/he is my other half… a
soulmate” were invented for the sake of
a good story or romantic movie. A man
inherits all the ingredients to be a leader :
strong will, power, dignity, to name a few.
These ideas were nurtured throughtout
history, accepted by society and instilled
in men’s thinking. They, of course, were
just born to be that way.
So do men benefit from their
upbringing and to some extent the
social pressures for them to lead, act
and perform ? Conversely, is this what
handicaps women, the source of the
discrimination against them ?
The answer is obvious: I believe
that upbringing is the main cause – not
discrimination against them, conscious
or not, by men. Just as significant is
the fact (not the problem) that many
women are far more interested in their
families than outside work, and society
clearly approves, reiterating that it is the
right choice. Top positions require time,
energy and dedication to goals, all of
which require being selfish. Ambition,
achievement and the struggle to succeed
at all costs are all considered men’s
attributes. It is not a selfish act for a man
to work hard to reach his goals.
These are beliefs that have survived
the test of time, even to this day. They
were present in the views of the five men
I observed that evening. Very different
characters, they spoke with one voice
about men’s roles and responsibility.
Their philosophy was to be (a few)
good (men).
Mr. A now rarely makes TV
appearances, but is a regular on the
media event circuit. He is still a presence.
Likewise, resourceful Mr. B always has a
stack of name cards to give out.
Mr. D and Mr. E share a common
understanding of maintenance, and
are more meticulous than most women
I know in going to the gym, getting
massages and spa treatments and
planning their social calendars. Mr. D
expects the same dedication to self from
the women he dates.
Mr. C was ‘the thinker’ among them,
telling me that his friends envy his fancy
job title in an international organisation
and his travels around the world that
have brought him to Delhi. Born in New
York City, he is the sappiest New Yorker I
have ever met ! He only wished he could
find a place to call home.
Actress Carrie Fisher once described
her experiences with men who, from
whatever walk of life, knew their
esteemed place in life and as part of the
male kingdom.
“I gave up on dating powerful
men because they wanted to date
women in the service professions” she
once said.” “So I decided to date guys in
the service professions. But I found out
that kings want to be treated like kings,
and consorts want to be treated like
kings, too.”
I have a message for my dear male
friends : it takes more than an impressive
job description, club memberships and
style to display your broad knowledge, and
happily intimidate others. Wouldn’t it be
better to salute values such as individuality,
tolerance and happiness, for all ?
Yes, men can let down their fronts
and even cry if they want to, because it
is part of being who they are, a complete
human being. And let’s do it together, in
being free to be you and me.
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